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Thursday, 27 February 2014

A Letter To My Blog

Dear Blog,

I can't tell anyone else. The readers of my blog (and also the commenters) are people I don't know, so I think it's ok. 

So, I asked her, what's so good about him and why are you still hanging on to him. I just fell in love, she said. And I won't always be young forever, she added.

He is married with kids. She is married with a kid. They have an affair. But it is over now. Actually it's not really over, because she has started to fall in love with him. When they started about half a year ago, they agreed this was just a "game" and "just to be happy only" (direct translation in Chinese - hoi sum jor jau suen). Both wanted to "try" out, for the "thrill". He fell in love with her after 1 month into this affair. Very very deeply in love. He missed her everyday, called her everyday and he told her he would die without her. But she said they agreed this was just a "game" from day1, no feelings must be involved. We are adults, she said. You have your family, I have mine. But when we have chance to be alone, then we can talk about us, do what we feel like doing and that's it. And then, one fine day, his wife found out, sort of. He kept her picture in his handphone, and saw some messages she sent to him. He was stupid he did not delete the picture and the messages. So, the interrogations started, the threatening, the fear of "losing all" and all. Ever since, he slowly withdrew, and during this time, she started to fall in love! Maybe during the time she was "having it" she never cared, but when she started to "lose it", she wanted it back. 

Today, she is trying to get over it. It has been three months. She can't. It's hard. It's difficult. She still thinks of him everyday. If you have been crazily loved by someone, and out of a sudden, you "lost" it, and you started to fall in love with him that very moment, you will know the feeling, she says. He still loves her, but nothing must happen, nothing, he tells her. He has withdrawn his previous actions tremendously and he too, is trying to lead a normal life with his family, back to the days before he started the affair with her. She still feels "empty" and "lonely" and "missing him", she calls it "that feeling". I ask her to think of her husband and her girl when "that feeling" comes. It doesn't always work. The next day, "that feeling" comes back, she says.

Not only she needs to lie to her husband for the rest of her life, she needs to lie to herself too, telling herself that everything will be fine, she can get over this and this is just a passing phase. Time will heal and this too, shall pass.

I hope I can tell her what to do. Why do friends around me have so much of this problem recently?

43 comments:

  1. In this case. Silence is the best. U tell her anything niw she also "hear not in ear".

    Later on whn she got no scapegoat , u b blamed n ruin your friends ship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now she doesn't want ppl to tell her want to do. She just want someone listen to her. So jusr listen lo....

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    2. Api bila kecil . Jd kawan.bila besar jadi lawan.


      Ady know ppl naaried n ownself married. Still wanna go for the thrill?

      Yea some will say but he not the same wor. He got quality that my husband dun hv wor. I love my husband but am bored wor .and ge gives me something that my husband cant.....errr so what??? End up 4 ppl suffer n lagi teruk in including kids.

      Come on la ..he ady choose his family. Still wanna "thor lei thai sui"?.

      Delete
    3. Meow, you realize this time my post I didn't include picture? Coz usually I always must put 1 picture kan? But this time don't know what picture to put la..

      "Paper cannot cover fire" (ji bao mm chue for), before something "big" happen to her, like his wife come find her and slap her or what, or her husband finds out, I think she better recover and get her life back.. But I "mm yan sum" (tak sanggup) so harsh talk to her like that, plus, she is an adult, I think she knows what to be done..

      Delete
    4. By the way, out of topic. Next Monday I plan to post something interesting.. You wait me..

      Delete
  2. This is so common and better not ask why it only happens to others around us. My friend asked that once too but she got involved into one similar complications later in life. I had to help her out of the mess by becoming a mannequin until she was safely back to herself. I don't know if she was jinxed as her own husband later had affair with a divorcee about 12 years his senior! My friend has divorced this husband who is some 15 years older than her too and they have 2 grown up sons. She changed her lifestyle and forced herself to extremes by going to gyms daily, running long marathons, smoking, drinking and rose up ranks in her career pula!!

    It is difficult to speak to stubborn human beings always. Sometimes I let them hit the walls first to know it's impossible and painful. Self realizations can work better but sometimes too late. If you ask me why do people have extra marital affairs or born to become gays/lesbians? I believe some cases were due to their past lives continuations and some cases were due to their ancestor's graves that were misaligned and could even produce GLB future generations. It was written in some religious books somewhere!

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    1. Agree with anay. Let them hit the wall la. No need to advice or help. It won't be appreciated.

      Just wait till one day her husband find another woman then she will boo hoo say love the husband.

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    2. TM, I'm gonna be dead honest right now right here. After I read your first sentence, I am imagining my hubby got affairs pulak 1 day.. Coz like you said, anything could happen..

      Oohh, then she must be your very close friend coz you said you allowed yourself to be her mannequin until she recovers.. Your terms of mannequin means what? "Water float"? Always being there for her to listen (like what I'm doing now)?

      I agree with you when you say the person must try and experience "that thing" first, but sometimes it might be too late.. I like reading what you write. But call me jakun, what is GLB?

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    3. Wakakaka.... I wanted to say GLB means Gay/Lesbians but the online dictionary says - GLB = Good Looking Bloke!!

      So many of my own friends ended in divorce & separations today due to 3rd & 4th parties! In the end, my own brother and sister also ended up with separation & divorce due to 3rd parties. My brother kena charmed by his mistress who engaged the Thai bomoh and I am still battling with his bitch till today. (Long story)

      My mannequin version means like a puppet for her to call. She had to call her lover many times everyday but when they agreed to end their affair, she had those withdrawal symptoms like a heroin addict in need of daily fix. So she pleaded for my help to allow her to call my phone instead many times daily until it was reduced to zero! Adoi! Adoi!..... anyways this happened in 1994. You were not even born yet! LOL

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    4. I think I can blog about real life true stories of torrid & scandalous affairs in my blog!!! Just need to think back all my friend's marital affairs to share and gossip with everyone lah. This will serve as a warning to others. What you think?

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    5. Eh, 1994 I was already borned lah.

      Oohh ok, I know what you mean with the withdrawal symptom. Were you married that time? I guess not yet ahh? Coz if you have, then I think your wife would chop you off if you allowed yourself to be that "water float" for other girls..

      Oh, in my opinion, if you blog about marital affairs and all, I think it would be very interesting lor.. I will be the first to visit your blog everyday, like a daily shrine.. Keke..

      Eh, I have one interesting post to publish on Monday.. You asked for it.. And I'm doing it because of you. You wait me. Kay?

      Delete
  3. Silence is best to keep her marriage alive. Hope she can go through it. It is hard to live a lie and maybe guilt, but she must remember why she married her husband in first place and there is a kid involved. Dont spoil what she has now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was exactly what I told her too. In the first place, please try to remember the day when you fell in love with your husband and want him til "oi sang oi sei" (want to live want to die)..

      Delete
  4. Louiz, this is an interesting post! I wonder if your friend still loves her husband. I may be wrong but I always feel that if you love your other half, you would not even consider cheating on him/her. Not even for the excitement because you just cannot bear the thought of hurting him/her. That's my thinking lah. I mean in a marriage or long term relationship, realistically all the excitement and the "meletup-letup" fireworks are not as intense as at the start of the romance. Anyone who has been in love would get what I am saying. It is important to nurture the relationship, to keep it fresh and alive. Betul tak? Being able to talk, laugh, share problems and ideas with each other is key. If not, then the couple will grow apart and become very sian and start looking elsewhere. My thinking is always if you love your husband/wife and treasure the relationship, you would not take this kind of risk to destroy what you have built together. I hope your friend can recover and realise what a big mistake she made and start afresh. The damage has already been done and the only thing is to move forward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like your "meletup letup" word.. I think it's this "thrill" she was talking about.. You know, the heart-beating-fast, like "chor luen" (first love) feeling (I also like, to be really honest).. All girls like to be chased, all girls like to be loved, all girls want attention, but her mistake was, (I'm being very open minded about this), she put her feelings and emotions into this knowing very well this is going nowhere from day1. She was very sure this was just a "game" and wanted to "experience" it for once, but she fell in love, which was wrong. Nobody can help her, she has to face it and move on. I like your comment.

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    2. Not worth it, hor? I think she regret this for the rest of her life. You just be there for her lah. Listen while she pour out her feelings. Maybe she will feel better talking and letting out her feelings. I dare not imagine what would happen if her hubby found out.

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  5. As a friend, I think be good listener is fine, coz usually they hardly listen what have you told her!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, agree, I can only listen. Dare not give so much advise. Scared backfire pulak..

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  6. This is called playing with fire and then get burnt? Playing with feelings is very dangerous... never know what we can fall into... As for your friend, she has to overcome this herself.. no one can help her unless she wants to help herself.... she got into this and she has to come out of it herself.. as friends, we can only stand by and support her in ways of encouraging her by listening to her and just nodding our head...
    Opps... my two cents again...

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    Replies
    1. I truly agree with you reana.. Paper cannot cover the fire forever, and before it's too late, I think it's good she pulled her feet out now from the "quick sand".. I think it's the "transition period" that is killing her now.. Noone else can help her but herself.. I promised to pickup her call anytime she feels like talking to anyone :)

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  7. "mmm my friend, how are you tonight??" (in a very sexy and soft tone), wah, today is Princess Ribbon Mailbox time!! love affairs and dilemma ah?? wah, really not an easy to topic to give advice woh, because everyone has their own opinion and sometimes love is so blind that many may not be able to listen and accept other people's views or comments or feedback or advices woh.. errr, okay okay, i know i'm talking nonsense and not something meaningful and constructive lah, but then "mun sai gan ching si hor mut" (ask the world what is love)??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For a second, I don't understand your first sentence lah.. Eh, I wana laugh at your comments today la, but I must pretend cannot laugh, coz I feel bad laughing la.. You see all the comments today, all very "jing king" and wana help my friend one, so I cannot laugh lah ok..
      Eh, what's the meaning of mailbox time?

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    2. neh, like those radio program, the DJ always talk in very soft and sexy tone.. they have these "mailbox" program where people would write in to tell their stories, and the DJ will give advice lor.. maybe you are too young to know about all these old school radio program :p

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    3. OMG, you make me laugh again.. Told you my blog is a rojak blog, I blog about everything.. From getting pregnant to crazy parenting to simple ABC soup, cooking, baking, then little bit kun-yam-ping at work, nonsense, and now, "radio deejay mailbox" program pulak.. Interesting hor? Macam macam ada, baru best!

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    4. Eh, hello, what you mean I'm "too young" to know about all these radio program? I'm younger than you 1 or 2 years only ok.. Coz in 1998, you were in Form 6 kan? You blogged about it and also posted your photos in FB, remember? And you said you were in Upper (or lower) 6? I'm only younger than you 1 year ok? Maybe same age timmm..

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    5. mana ada Form 6 in 1998?? that year i graduated from Uni lah.. see, Uncle so much older than you leh Siu Mui Mui~~ :D

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  8. and true also lah, i think your friend just want somebody to listen because most probably she has already have something in mind.. and i think as outsider, we really couldn't help much, but just keep asking hypothetical questions sometimes both party may find stupid, yet those stupid questions can be useful if you analyze with your own heart.. sometimes really, when your heart is gone then it's gone, it's very difficult to pull it back but your friend just have to work towards rebuilding the relationship with her husband lah.. what i can see here is, given herself together with the other man, can she guarantee that she will love him forever and remain the same?? oh well, of course at this moment she would say yes, but reality is somehow quite not the way we would expect.. err, if you get what i mean, i just do not want to say things that obvious like "draw doll also draw the intestine" lah..

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    Replies
    1. SK, you really make me laugh la at your comments.. And I feel bad for laughing because my post is something "serious" and cannot simply laugh one ma.. "Draw doll no need to draw the intestines" so clearly, I understand you one la.. Eh, her heart not yet gone la, still with the family, she said she just wana "feel the thrill" la..Then mana tau, sendiri fell in love liao..

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    2. mjh lor, tell her, even after a holiday we also need time to recover from the excitement and then go back to normal life.. so what she need to do is also the same lah.. soon she will be getting it over like the other man did..

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  9. many times it's because of the sudden emptiness and also the sudden crush lah.. think properly and judge with a rational mind but not an emotional one.. nothing much i can say lah, because that's your friend mah, of course we also hope she would think about responsibility to her man and her daughter also, because her world is not only herself alone.. it's a many facet thing when it comes to relationships.. so from many angles and perspective, every one has to be considered to make a balance lor.. :)

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    Replies
    1. Yep agree.. Wah for the first time, you wrote something serious and really put your shoes into it to "feel" the situation wor.. Yes, it's the "chor luen" punyer feel la, that made her fell into the "trap".. When a guy is chasing you ahh, you are full of "oi ching chi yoon" (love potion), so I guess she wanted it everyday (not sex, ok), and in the end, sendiri pun jatuh cinta lor..

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  10. I suppose both parties hardly spend time with their spouse. So when one party starts to show concern to the other, both could easily be trapped into an affair. Unless both really stick to their game and just be friends.

    Maybe your friend needs to look into her own life and think of what she really wants in life. In this way, she might be able to see the reality of her affair. She should asks herself, "Is it worthwhile?"

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    Replies
    1. He ended the affair. He asked her to let go and remain as normal friends. This, she cannot accept because she was so loved by him once, and now, it's all gone, she wanted "it" back, but I told her it's wrong.

      I can relate, I can feel her, coz I'm a woman too, I understand how it feels to to crazily loved (and chased) by someone, but I told her before it's too late or anything happens to her (or his) family, just let go. She wouldn't want his wife to march up to her office and splash her with acid or give her a slap in front of all her colleagues right? This seems to bring some sense into her brain.

      He is not supposed to exist in her life in the first place.

      Delete
    2. Well, it had happened and since now it's over, your friend has to accept it. Time will heal her wound. But at the meantime, she needs someone like you to keep listening to her and to encourage her about her own family.

      Keep up your concern for her. She needs you.

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Whoa, you are also very modern and open wor, keke..
      I am (trying to be) open (when I'm listening) to her also, I told her the thing has happened, her mistake was she fell in love, now she has to look forward. There's no right or wrong, it has already happened, gawd, just move forward and recover (and keep this secret with her to the grave)..

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  12. Halo mummy LoiuzYee, anything could happen... I came your palce once a while... But this topic really attract me to type on the keyboard and jot down some comments...hehehe

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    1. I guess both got problem. If they love their own family each other won't be playing this game. You think "Hou wan meh" this kind of thing. Not only you, I've heard a few versions like this. Until I feel scary too.. would you? As long as both husband and wife trust each other and believes in each other, nothing will happen like this.

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    2. Nasi sudah jadi bubur, no one we could blame... I'm glad to know she tries very hard to recover, at least I know she felt regret on what she has been done. If she wants to gain confident again, then she should know the right way to move forward and start a new life...
      I wonder what will happen if she tells her husband. Better don't keep it silence will it be better for her and her family?...I'm worried too.

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    3. Dear, most of your I can't view one...don't know why.. too slow to load?...when I click it, it said URL problem wor...

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    4. Elo, angeline, thanks for dropping by my blog. Err, you can't view most of my posts? Cannot be wor.. Hmm, weird. I am worried also if you said you can't view my blog, hmm, dunno what should I do leh, coz I'm not IT expert wor..

      I also stalk your blog quite often, just only started to comment bit by bit recently.. Before I got to know SK I stalked your blog before, just that I didnt comment only..

      Playing with people's feelings is very dangerous..I wouldn't want that to happen to me, but like TM said, anything can happen, which I agree, well, like you said most important we trust our spouse and do our part as wife & mommy and live happily ever after lah, keke..

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  13. i think people really need to learn the lesson of FIGHTING TEMPTATION but it's not for you to teach them. i wouldn't know what to say to a friend like this either. smh.

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