Challenges: Breastfeeding

Let's just summarize this post. I am frustrated to write about my breastfeeding journey.

Before Deliver
I equipped myself with breastfeeding knowledge. I read about it, googled it, even invested in a brand new and not-cheap breast pump (popular brand). With Kenzie, I failed to breast feed as I could only pump out 0.5-1oz each time and only breastfeed for 2 weeks. With Gavin I vowed to improve better and breastfeed at least for 2 months before I start work. I thought breastfeeding will not be hard. I will just latch baby when he wants to feed. I even thought of buying storage bag, storage bottles and ice packs. But lucky I did not rush into it. 


After Delivered
Breastfeeding is not as easy as it seems. For the first week only colustrum was produced in my breast and I could not see any milk. When it is time for feeding I latch Gavin. He sucks. But is he getting enough from that few drops of colustrum? After sucking, formula given. Frankly I feel better. Ok, according to some breastfeeding support group, the tummy of a newborn is only like a size of a marble and that few drops of colustrum is enough. But frankly, errr, would you have topped up with formula milk if you were me?

My milk finally kicked in after a week. When baby Gavin cries for feeding and I have not bathed yet, I felt dirty and sticky, hence I do not feel like latching him as I feel very uncomfortable. Formula given.
*I have mild OCD, so to be honest I don't and can't latch him anytime. It depends on whether I have bathed or whether I have changed the sheets that day. For example after lunch (which usually consists of meat, sesame oil, ginger and wine) I will sweat and will usually bathe after that. If in between baby Gavin needs to feed at least there is expressed breast milk in the fridge for the lady to feed him first. So that's the reason I want to pump so early. I cannot imagine myself latching baby Gavin on my smelly sweaty body and sitting on my clean bed.

Fast forward, I started to pump. I spent so much on that pump, hell I'll makesure I make use of that pump everyday. For the first few days after the milk kicked in, I only managed to pump 2 teaspoons - 0.5oz of breast milk. Few more days later I only managed to pump 1oz each time. By the way I pump every few hours and I still latch baby Gavin. Formula given as top up as my breast milk is just too little. The reason I pump:
1) I know how much he drinks
2) I feel better seeing that 2-2.5 oz milk going into his stomach
3) I don't latch him if I am sticky/sweaty

To add to the pathetic-ness, today is day 14 and I only produced 2oz breast milk from 8pm yesterday night until 6am this morning. I pumped at 8pm, 11pm, 3am and 6am. Total 2oz. How pathetic is that?

I have all the signs: 1) When baby latches on 1 side the other side leaks. 2)My breast will leak and indicate time for me to pump. But when I pump, the maximum is still 1oz from both breasts!

I want to feel like giving up and just give formula. But as long as I still have a drop of breast milk I will still give that drop of milk to baby Gavin. And I will still continue to pump until my breasts die on me.